aurumacadicus:

smalltonystark:

tony stark’s youtube channel but it’s just him complaining about the avengers’ fashion sense

“Bruce wore socks with his sandals today and I know he did it to hurt me, specifically, it was a targeted attack,” Tony rants.

“As much as I love the fact that Steve doesn’t like to wear shirts that fit him, he can’t be showing up to one of my galas in a shirt that looks one wrong flex away from ripping open like a bad Popeye cartoon,” Tony complains. “I gave him the name of my tailor and he ignored me! Rude!”

“I’m almost ninety-three percent certain that Clint is a mutant and that his mutant power is mismatching socks,” Tony says conspiratorially. Clint leans down to whisper something in his ear. Tony looks outraged. “What do you mean it’s just color blindness, it’s one striped sock and one polka-dot, they’re different colors and YOU CAN SEE THE STRIPES AND POLKA-DOTS I KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOU TOLD BRUCE THE POLKA-DOTS WERE YOUR FAVORITE–”

“I was giving Thor a pass because he’s not from our planet but uuuuuhhhh Loki stopped by to start trouble and she–she identifies as a girl today–she was wearing absolutely stunning clothes?” Tony says, scratching his head and looking frankly bewildered. “So Thor has no excuse I guess and I’m gonna start calling him on it. Oh also I saved the day by telling her she could come and join in on my next bitching session about Thor’s clothes so… yay me?”

“I tried to tell Natasha that she’d look killer with plum-colored lipstick and she just scoffed at me!” Tony exclaims, incensed.

“I was making fun of Steve’s shirts to Sam and he told me that he liked it better when Steve wore his button-uPS AND KHAKIS,” Tony hollers, nearly knocking himself from his chair.

“I bought Bucky a suit and he ripped off the left sleeve,” Tony breathes, looking two seconds away from murder. “First he complained about how much it cost and then he riPPED OFF THE SLEEVE I’M” Tony disappears from the camera view and, a moment later, a high-pitched scream is heard. It’s Bucky screaming.